I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
to go back to a place much simpler than this

Some random thoughts Finally taking a break again from the hectic work of mine today. A day free of admissions, discharges, sending pts to and from surgeries and receiving endless of surgical icu transfers. :D

Got to work in the same shift with my preceptee more often recently. Honestly speaking, I do not know the traits to being a good preceptor because I do not have such experience before. Being a considered "gan cheong" nurse, I tried not to be too harsh or stress her out too much. However, sometimes there's just certain things that you thought it should be clearly understood without explanation while the other receiving end thinks otherwise. I would prefer to spend more time explaining the logic behind our actions so that she does not have to force herself to memorise the endless of steps that each nursing skill comprise but to be able to perform the skills through understanding. Sadly to say, we do not always have the time to explain in the ward. Or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a preceptor. :(

The HO in my ward brought up an interesting topic for discussion with me the other day which I thought it would worth some time to think about it. He felt that nurses are doing mundane stuffs everyday which leaves most of the decision making and patient management to the doctors. Hence he was curious if we as nurses will eventually find ourselves losing our critical thinking ability. The HO was definitely not trying to be offensive which he made it clear in the first place but was just curious about this which he thought would like to hear my opinion. The examples he quoted such as nurses calling him in the middle of the night during his call to inform things which are indeed non-urgent or things which we as nurses can do it too makes me more or less can't help but agree with him at times. I felt that the topic he has brought up is a controversial issue. Being a nurse, I do agree with him to some extend. However, sometimes we are left with no choice when there are policies and protocols which we are obliged to obey. It's true that critical thinking is important be it whether you are a doctor or a nurse. That is why nursing schools have introduced problem-based learning into the curriculum. I am sure most of us as nurses would not want to waste what we have learnt from our professors and try to apply our knowledge in our daily work. I guess SOMETIMES its not easy when we have to apply critical thinking and at the the same time confine ourselves within the boundaries set by the policies and protcols. Or maybe I'm wrong?

Thoughts aside, off to enjoy my rest day now! :D

Sometimes I realised I don't really understand myself or know what I really want. Things that I thought I could forget and not get bothered by it actually do bothers me a lot. Perhaps I have over estimated myself. It's so tiring. Really.

"Yet sometimes, despite what we may want, the door just has too many locks.”

- Gossip Girl

Thai Wave

Someone suggested this movie to me which I would say its a must watch! I rated it 4.8 out of 5 stars. :D Loved the ways the girl tried to win the heart of the guy in the movie. Was so touched when the girl confessed to the guy and I cried when the guy was flipping through the album containing all the memories of the girl. I like the mega transformation of the girl's appearence as she grows older. Haha :) Last but not least, thai girls are pretty and the guy in the movie is so handsome! :D I love Thai shows!

Was so addicted to this OST after watching the movie. :D



Anw updates! Came back from Chiang Mai (Northern Thailand) last week during cny. Chiang Mai is one of the most interesting places I've ever visited. There aren't many shopping malls so it's pretty apparent that this trip of mine isn't about buying clothes, shoes, bags etc. During the short 4 days in Chiang Mai, I've got to ride on oxen from a part of the village to another before taking the elephant ride back to the starting point. After which we took a raft ride through the long river which I was told that it extends all the way to Bangkok.

Visited the long neck tribe during one of the days. The women there are really pretty! Was impressed with the way they live their lives meaningfully even with the little things available in the village. The rings that they wore on their neck was much heavier than I thought. Can't imagine having to wear in on my neck on a daily basis which makes me admired the long neck ladies even more. :) Visited some other places too which sums up to an eye opening experience for me. :) One last thing that I must say I will never forget from this trip is Thailand's Tom Yum Soup! :D

On a sidenote, happy CNY to all! :) Gonna drag myself to pack my luggage SOON. I swear. -.-

Nice song :)


Bought 3 books from kinokuniya today. :) I love the novels written by Jodi Picoult and I want to finish reading all of them. :) Her novels have made me so engrossed that I can't stop reading once I've started.

Saw this somewhere and I thought the description of love has been put into words so well:
Love is a psychosis. It can make you feel, think and behave quite strangely, but in a good way. There are sensations in your head and heart that can't be explained in logical terms. It's the most fundamental of emotions, yet the hardest to describe in words. But when it happens to you, you'll know it." - Dr Adrian Wang, Consultant Psychiatrist.


One of my aunt came into my mind today as I was drinking my morning or rather afternoon coffee since I woke up late. I have a pair of twin aunts whom I used to be their "niece agony" which means spending hours over the phone, listening to them, sharing their worries and unhappiness, giving them advises and of course consoling them which I'm still doing it now. By being someone who always listens to the agonies of another person, does it makes me look like I'm someone who is worry/problem-free which I always seems to be one among the family. The brother's health wasn't too good since young so mum used to spend more time on taking care of him. The youngest aunt whom I'm closet with used to tell me that I'm the one that she worry the least compared to other cousins of mine. Sometimes I wonder, is this good or bad? Perhaps I've just chose not to show how I feel or my problems to them but this doesn't makes me someone who needs less concern than any other people around me. Nevertheless, I guess being contented with what you have is the key to happiness in life. :)

Back to my book now! :)

When everything suddenly becomes so clear and you finally understood the things that u don't previously, you will enjoy the feeling of refreshing tranquility that comes along with it. It's just a matter of time.

15 more days and I'll be flying out of sg. :) Will take this time to think of my directions and sort out my thoughts. Meanwhile, it's back to my book.

p.s. wanna share a nice song :)

Being myself
Can I just be myself and not live up to anyone's expectations? Can I choose the way I want to live my life and not bother about how other's may think? I may sound childish and maybe to some others selfish by feeling this way but I seriously want to get a life of my own. I'm old enough to decide for myself and be responsible for my decisions. For once, can I shake off the role of a daughter, a nurse or which ever role others see me playing as for the moment to do whatever things I like and be myself? I need some solitude. Seriously.

Paradox of a human mind It feels like a part of your body where blood supply is no longer present, where it is apparent that its time to be amputated but you just want to hold on to it and not let it go. Because it has already became a part of you. And so you held on to it tightly though all it brings is misery. A paradox that you cannot understand nor explain. Before you can finally make a decision, everything remains unchanged.

Music blows the words out of mind, no words, no thoughts
Pachelbel Canon in D major - Violin (eXquisite version) :)


Pachelbel's Canon in D - piano version :)


Playing violin late into the night gives me a tranquil feeling which I always enjoyed. My violin has accompanied me for a decade and brought me through times of joys and tears. I used to lock myself in the room and play the violin whenever I'm sad because it never fails to cheer me up after that.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if I have taken up music since young and (if I'm lucky enough) to have the chance to attend the juilliard school. How awesome can it be. Maybe my life would be totally different from now and perhaps happier? I don't know. I can relax and be myself when I'm playing the violin or piano with nothing else in my mind. I love music and I love the feeling that it gives me.

p.s. Happy 2011 to all! :)

Reflections
A really nice song that I wanna share :)

It's been one and a half years since I have stepped into the nursing profession. I could still remember the feelings then when I decided to choose nursing as my first choice during the application process. I was filled with passion then, with thoughts of hoping to help the sick. With this mentality, I started my life as a student nurse and later on, a registered nurse.

Nursing has opened my eyes to many different perspectives towards people, situations and relationships. It has allowed me to touch the lives of my patients and to feel for some of them. I'm glad and really appreciated the different people that I met along the way. They brought me laughters and tears. To the people whom I really cherished, thank you for the wonderful memories that you have created in my life.

However, I would not deny the fact that nursing is not a bed of roses. I fell, I cried, I hurt myself along the way and I learnt from everyday's experiences. I'm tired from the never ending workload, the rush, the stress and the long hours. Sometimes I wonder why have I chose to put myself in this position, dragging my tired feet home after every shift, tired to go out even on rest days. Thats when thoughts of giving up starts crawling into my mind. I'm afraid that I'll lose the feeling that I used to have when I first chose nursing. Everything would become meaningless then.

I don't want to become a grumpy person that I find myself eventually becoming. The MO in my ward always said this to me whenever he sees me almost everyday: "Something is wrong man. If you smile, its bu zheng chang (aka abnormal), if u don't smile then its zheng chang (aka normal) so wads wrong again today haha". Sigh. I wonder is this really the kind of person I want to become at the end of the day. Maybe I need some time to think about myself and my future.

The year is coming to a closure in 3 days time. I did not have too many regrets compared to yesteryear. As I have mentioned, I am happy to have met some people this year who has made a difference in my life which I will never forget. :) I would not think of new year resolutions this time cus it doesn't seems to hold true anyway. Maybe I'm just too negative haha. I'll rather let nature takes it course and see what happens in the coming year.

Merry Christmas to all! May everyone have a blessed year ahead :)

Labels: joy, love, peace

I felt like I have just woke up from a long long sleep. A sleep that I never wanna wake up from...

I never want to wake up to reality. In my dreams, I dare, I do things that I want to. To know for sure. To be certain. And of course, everything goes happily ever after.

On a sidenote: I wish for a white christmas this year. sigh.

A nice song that touches my heart :)

Life is complicated, it starts before we’re ready, it continues while we’re still trying to figure out the point of it and ends before we’ve worked out what to do.- Adrian Tan
Was reading reader's digest when I came across this. How true indeed.

Watched Hello Stranger last week and I would say that it was hilarious! :D I loved the storyline :) I wouldn't mind watching it again haha

I wanna watch sunrise...oh how random I am haha. :D

Today is my long awaited rest day and I chose to stay at home. It's been quite some time since I spent time alone playing violin, listening to my favourite songs and reading the entire day. I love this solitude and I love my violin which never fails to brighten up my day.

The frequent rains makes me melancholic but also inward looking. Sitting alone, being alone is quite refreshing every once in a while. Maybe I'm tired of everything else happening around me.

Rainbow after the rain Feeling much better now. Thanks to those who cared and tried to cheered me up :) There's always a rainbow after the rain. At least I beileve in this.

Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Stop asking me questions or care about me. I just want to be alone. I need time. Time to think about my life and my directions. Maybe I need to understand myself better. In reality, I’m just a ball of confusion, of uncertainty, of questions, of cowardice.

It's never enough Its 21/11/2010 and I'm sad because today is the last day of my annual leave. :( I have not eat, sleep, pee, play, shop and day dream enough! :( Or maybe I'm just too greedy...

Glass shoes

Was watching the movie "Marry a rich man" online yesterday and was captivated by the beauty of the pair of glass shoes that appeared in the scenes. So beautiful, so fairytale-like. :) 王子,公主就这么一起永永远远的爱下去. :)

Maybe... Chanced upon this somewhere...

Maybe it takes some distance to realise.
Maybe it takes some time.

Maybe it takes some self-questioning.
Maybe it takes some solitude.

Maybe it takes some moments reminisced.
Maybe it takes some missing.

Maybe it is too little, too late.

Person: Oei Shu Xian

Birthday: 10th July 1987
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